Pep Talk: Letting Go...

"If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it."

Over the last few days, I’ve been feeling myself “armoring up”. You know that sensation — when defensive seeps in and you’re not entirely sure why your body is on high alert. Seriously, I was in fight-or-flight mode with Renaissance playing in the background. To ease my mind, I wrote down the following Toni Morrison quote in my journal: “You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” - Song of Solomon 

As I read the words, I instinctively placed my hand on my heart and inhaled. I had to remember to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. My chest felt tight with anxiety. Deadlines. Motherhood. Unexpected disappointments. My mental health was reaching a tipping point. How am I supposed to do it all? I was feeling far away from myself and all of my old insecurities started to take over my mind:

• “You’re not good enough.”

• “You won’t fall in love again.”

• “No one really likes you unless you’re doing something for them.”

I looked for more reassurance in Morrison’s novel, Beloved. In the passage below, Baby Suggs, a self-anointed holy woman preaches for men and women who only recently left slavery:

In this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. They don’t love your eyes; they’d just as soon pick em out. No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face ’cause they don’t love that either. You got to love it, you! And no, they ain’t in love with your mouth. Yonder, out there, they will see it broken and break it again. What you say out of it they will not heed. What you scream from it they do not hear. What you put into it to nourish your body they will snatch away and give you leavins instead. No, they don’t love your mouth. You got to love it. This is flesh I’m talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved. Feet that need to rest and to dance; backs that need support; shoulders that need arms, strong arms I’m telling you. And O my people, out yonder, hear me, they do not love your neck unnoosed and straight. So love your neck; put a hand on it, grace it, stroke it and hold it up. And all your inside parts that they’d just as soon slop for hogs, you got to love them. The dark, dark liver–love it, love it and the beat and beating heart, love that too. More than eyes or feet. More than lungs that have yet to draw free air. More than your life-holding womb and your life-giving private parts, hear me now, love your heart. For this is the prize. 

–Toni Morrison, Beloved

The revival is an awakening of the senses. You feel summoned to reclaim and love your whole being. Her voice commands and expands one’s capacity for self-care.

Not the self-care of bubble baths - the self-witnessing that loudly declares: “You got to love it, YOU!”. We ALL deserve this soul-stirring reminder to love ourselves.

With Baby Suggs’ sermon in mind, we should try to love ourselves harder when doubt creeps in. Love your hands! Exhale. Trust. Let love wash over you and hold on to the light within and around you. Hear me now, love your heart. For this is the prize. 

As I re-read my highlighted copy of Beloved, I suddenly felt a surge of relief. Morrison’s writing always feels like a warm balm. I loosen and settle into myself. I resist the urge to pretend everything is “okay” and push thru the difficult feeling. Instead, I decided to acknowledge my discomfort and then LET IT GO.

I let go of the negative thoughts that disrupt my joy and happiness. I let go of the fear of being alone. I decide to no longer ruminate on things that are out of my control. I accept what is happening right now and trust that everything is working in my favor.

I decide to surrender and look closely at my hands. ** Another life-changing Morrison quote comes to mind: "If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it." - Song of Solomon 

I hope today you’ll surrender whatever is holding you back. I hope you feel lighter and full of new possibilities. I hope you will continue to love you.